WHY IS SHE LIKE THIS? A TRAUMATIC HISTORY LEXICON

[vampirella]

carmilla is not a sharer so it is very likely most characters she interacts with are not likely to know what she has gone through or why exactly she reacts to things the way she does. furthermore, other players might not understand what is going on, even if i try to describe it in metatext. so i put together a very short primer of trauma for your perusal to give you a better idea of why she is the way she is, and the method behind the disaster.

♥ born around 1680. she's been alive for a very long time, and has seen multiple wars, industrial revolutions, changes in technology, etc. she's been alive long enough to see some patterns and they're not particularly flattering ones. she sees humans as self destructive, self centered, and self interested. because of this she is not particularly gracious to strangers, and expects the worst of just about everyone. ♥ murdered at 18 at her own birthday ball. not a lot of details given on this one, but it was supposed to be a birthday celebration before she was forcibly married to a baron, and it did not end up that way. being murdered leaves its scars on a girl. ♥ turned into a vampire. this was done by a super powerful goddess trapped in a human skin suit with a lot of black magic. she's not a usual vampire, and that's likely because she was reborn, and not simply turned. she has a handful of magical abilities, including teleportation, pyrokinesis, and turning into a giant monster cat. this is on top of the normal vampire stuff of super speed, super senses, super strength, etc. she can take a great deal of injuries and still survive, though she is sensitive to holy water and well placed stakes. she would die if her head were removed. ♥ held as a long-term captive. the baron she was due to wed stole her from her grave, and he is perhaps responsible for asking her to be turned. he kept her in a dungeon and kept her fed, only barely, and forced her into a sexual relationship while she was held captive. this could have happened anywhere from months to years. ♥ murderous rampage. when she finally escaped vordenburg she intentionally murdered his entire family. oh, yeah, he was up there with a new wife procreating as he kept her in a basement. she intentionally killed everyone but the baron himself, which resulted in his family line having some fairly strong feelings against her. ♥ shunned by her family. after she finally made it out of the Vordenberg dungeon, she tried to return home. she was turned away and shunned and her family had no support to spare for a vampiric and mildly murderous daughter. since her father had sold her like prize cattle and her mother had never supported any interest that wasn't ladylike, mircalla doesn't think back on them with particular fondness. ♥ recruited by maman. the same goddess that raised her found her and pulled her into her fold. some of it was enjoyable, living a rich and explorative life and watching the passions and the tastes of the world change. she enjoyed the feeling of being powerful and the chance to explore things she'd never felt brave enough to when she lived. however, part of working with her mother required her playing the part of a lure for young girls that Lilita hand-selected for sacrifice. while she didn't kill them personally, she did feed on many of them, and manipulated them all. she never asked what happened to them until it was far too late. ♥ a bloody swath through history. during this time with Mattie and Maman, her viciousness and violence were not only allowed, but encouraged. she killed many and had little in her life to remind what how wrong it was. in fact it was something that she put together much later. ♥ loved and lost. after about 100 years of chasing marks for her mother, eventually Carmilla fell for one. she made plans to run away with Elle to New York, to see the newly-opened metropolitan museum of art and escape the caging expectations of both of them. however, she had never confessed her vampirism to Elle and when her Maman hinted her undead state to her lover, Elle betrayed her and condemned her for her vampirism and turned her over to the woman that Carmilla was attempting desperately to save them both from. ♥ bloody interment. as punishment for her betrayal, Lilita made sure Carmilla knew that Elle would die because of her and then buried her in a coffin of blood to drown eternally with her regrets. she was buried for decades and only got out during WW2. ♥ forced service. once her mother rediscovered her, there was little choice in returning to her service. however, the tides had certainly turned and Carmilla no longer enjoyed a spot at Lilita's right hand. their relationship is controlling and abusive and she reacts accordingly. she was unable to say no for fear of what her mother might do. ♥ quiet annoyance. she wasn't able to obviously rebel, however, she fought back in the ways she could. she tried to figure out her mothers plans, to destroy them. she would send girls back to families and different schools and different futures, instead of letting them be taken by her mother. however, Lilita had plenty of other vampires in her service, and while Carmilla saved a few, in the end other girls still got sacrificed. ♥ intentional disinterest. she has been burned all too many times by caring too much and feeling for things that end up temporary. thusly, she tries to present a visage of nonchalance and uncaring. it isn't necessarily accurate, but she tries. it takes a great deal to work her up and she avoids being attached to things. ♥ centuries of self hatred. while she enjoyed the first few decades of her undead afterlife, she soon came to hate herself and what she was quite viscerally. specifically after Elle's betrayal and the fact that because she was vampiric none of their time together mattered anymore, though that hatred has been plenty cultivated by time and awareness of exactly how horrible she is. she knows she's done terrible things and she doesn't expect forgiveness from anyone, much less herself. ♥ expectation of violence. her reaction to things is frequently to destroy them or murder them if they are a threat to her. that comes much in part by her years with her mother, and while these days usually she only kills for the sake of self-preservation, sometimes old habits die hard and she leans into those responses as they are much easier than trying to talk it out and feel things.